Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I puked a lego.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
