If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
