i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
