I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Randomize
