Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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