My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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