Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
