He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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