Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
