i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
