I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
