she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
