i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
