I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
