I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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