She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
