I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
We are two peas in an std pod
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
