i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
