Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I have aggressive nipples.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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