Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I'm jealous of your bromance
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize