I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
