youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
