i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
