note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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