I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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