This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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