so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
