His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Randomize
