She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
