i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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