Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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