I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
