He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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