She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
