the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
