So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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