Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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