He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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