i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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