yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
