On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
