M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
