the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
