If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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