his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
