While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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