Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
