my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
