I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
