I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
