She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
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