i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
