2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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