The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
