Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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