Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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